spc in hiding
...or at least how that is how it feels these past few weeks, with my plate more than full. I have been in hiding in my studio, hands covered with shades of quinacridone, music keeping me in good company, paintings starting to add up, supplies needing to be packed, the smell of frankincense every now and then, all with an occasional escape to the outside world. I think last night was the turning point, finally I feel like things are starting to come together for my upcoming retreats. It's like playing House of cards, stacking each card, one carefully after the next, trying to keep your calm as you do, hoping that you can stack those cards until the very end, when you can stand back and take a deep breathe and smile. So far I have my house half built and it feels good to be this far. Of course it is far more involved than stacking cards and keeping balance, but balance is very important, nonetheless! I feel so much lighter today, knowing I am getting there, still much left to do, as always, but I can see the light in the attic in the house of cards.... 
On one of my escapes from the studio we watched Into the Wild. I read the book when it came out and was pretty moved by the whole story then, it's the kind that sticks with you, at least it was for me and the movie is much the same. This story evokes so many feelings in me, just watching the trailer brings me to tears. I can somehow relate it to my upcoming experience to Australia, where I have been asked to teach, something I still cannot believe, here I am months after the invitation came, only weeks before I leave, and it's still so unreal feeling. Maybe you don't know this about me, but there was a time in my life that I was wrapped in fear. Fear of losing anyone I loved, fear of traveling, fear of the unknown, fear of tornado's and fires, fear of what someone might think of me, fears of the most irrational kind and fears that were very common. I would worry myself so much with these fears, always thinking the worst was going to happen, scared of what would happen to me if my fears did come true. Somehow over time these fears started to lessen, I started to let go of the little fears first, goodbye fear of gaining a little weight, goodbye fear of saying something really stupid so that my whole face turns bright red, goodbye fear of not being as good as I know I can be. The thing is when I started to let go of even the smallest of fears I started to feel lighter, more solid, more alive. Then I started letting go of some of the tougher fears, goodbye fear of flying, goodbye fear of someone hurting my feelings, goodbye fear of tornado's and fires....hello world. 
I don't know what it was exactly that helped me to let go, perhaps it was just time, perhaps it was a whole string of things, but I do know that I would not be where I am today if I still held on to all of my fears. and yet, I still have many fears, they sneak up on me once and awhile and take my breath away, making me want to hide far away, but they don't seem to stick around as long, keeping me awake at night, and making me so overprotective of myself. So if you would have told me five years ago that I was going to be going to Australia on a plane all by myself I would not have believed it one bit, I would have said no way, no! I would have given that experience up due to fear, I know I would have. Imagine that! It's tough to think about what I may have given up in my past due to fear, but no looking back, right? I am here, now and about to make a few more adventure stops on this amazing pilgrimage of my very own. So, want to go to Australia with me? There are still a few spaces left in my classes if you do. {insert coy grin here}
Tomorrow we are headed back to Pennsylvania for a long weekend. It has been since Christmas that I have been home or seen my parents, it will be so good to be home for the short visit and when I come back here it will be time to pack up again... {insert beaming grin here} ...
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. " ~ Marianne Williamson
"To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path, and don't worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest." ~ unknown
"Do the thing you fear, and the death of fear is certain." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
